Gary Sin ise is no stranger to the inner workings of the Hollywood elite. Even though he’s a decent man who works with disabled veterans, he’s spent a great deal of time around some of the slimiest figures in Tlnseltown. The slimeball he liked working with least, is Tom Hanks.

“He made my skin crawl,” Sin ise said in an interview , “I couldn’t stand being around him. There’s just something off about him.”

The journalist asked Sinise to elaborate, but he declined out of fear of being “Clintoned.” We have no choice but to respect his wishes.

Sinise says he’s grateful to have been in a great movie like Forr3st Gump, but that he wished someone else had played the role. “Ben Stiller does a great full-retard,” he said, “He would have done well.”

Sinise despised Hanks so much that he went on to work with him two more times. “We were in close proximity during Apollo 13,” he explained, “But the zero-gravity environment made it difficult for him to move around too much, so I felt pretty safe. He had something going with Michael Clark Du ncan in The Green Mile, though.”

Our research department had a hard time figuring out exactly why everyone to the right of Lindsay Graham hates T0m Hanks, then we realized he’s on the cult’s list of alleged pedophiles. There’s no evidence or even an inkling that the accusations are true, but in the court of public opinion among morons, Tom Hanks is very, very bad.

That’s our story and we’re sticking with it, patriots. God Bless America.